Finding my Tinderella

Couple of months ago I promised myself that I was going out of the dating game. So two hours in to that resolution, I realized life is too short to be single because you know #YOLO and stuff and decided to downloaded Tinder. Though it was not easy as it sounds because I thought online dating is for those who don't have much of a chance of meeting real people. I checked my social anxiety meter and it was close to full and so decided it was about time I take step into the seedy, dark alley of online dating.

After the initial hesitation and skepticism I downloaded the app and got down to the business of finding my soul mate of Tinder (biggest lie you will tell yourself). Tinder is convenient in the way it picks up information from your Facebook account so you won’t waste those precious few seconds in making a profile. Plus it shows you that sometime in past you used to like Titanic and Boyzone.

The concept is simple; swipe left if you don't like someone’s pics and swipe right if you think they are pretty/hot or whatever it is that makes you look at them like an idiot. It’s a split second judgment based on someone’s few Facebook pictures, a short bio, age and location; but who is interested in that when you can gawk at your probable match looking hot as hell wearing next to nothing in that beach pic. For me this was the second best invention after condensed milk.

I gave myself a month’s time to find my soul-mate and really believed that I shall probably be the first person ever to marry their Tinder match. But dating on Tinder isn't really dating for you can’t know someone from a few pics and some random words. Its a way to boost your sense of desirability with the opposite sex and secretly hoping that the hot girl you swiped right on swipes right on you so you can “chat” with them.

During this one month I learnt many things I had no knowledge about. 

• I have a type; which explains why I swiped right on certain profiles and left on certain.
• Most of the girls on Tinder love to travel, party (which in Tinder language reads: I work hard and party harder), working out and food.
• When there are two girls in the pic the profile never belongs to the hot/cute one. 
• Never take a pic with a baby. It causes a lot of confusion.
• Writing a 50 page essay on color yellow is easier than talking to a random match on Tinder   

I also came across some of the weirdest bio’s I have ever seen. EVER!! They took the terms weird to a whole new level, a level I didn’t think was possible for a normal human being. Couple of them made such a lasting impression on me that I still remember them. First one went “I am he, As You are he, You are me and I am Me.” If I could, I really wanted to know what was she tripping on? 

But the best one was a rap I think which went like “Sexy cake likes to bake, with a rake; it will make you ache and makes milkshakes; she’s like a snake, she's not fake; and doesn’t eat steak, we went to the lake; for hot pocket’s sake, it’s sexy cake.”  All I could think of was a “WTF did I just read??” I am sure if Eminem came across this gem he would adopt it’s creator.

A common recurring theme during this one-month was my internal monologue whenever I used the app. I shouldn’t be doing this on toilet, I hope you are not a dude, I hope you are the hot/cute one, you like food too?, man the furniture in the pic is sexy, yup definitely a dude, I accidentally swiped right I hope she doesn’t either, I hope no one I know is on Tinder.

I did get 4 matches during that one month. Out of which two didn't respond after I said Hi. So I decided to be brave and take it to the next level by coming directly to the point. I asked the third girl “Hi, want to meet for coffee?“ and when she didn’t reply after couple of hours I kept my dignity intact by saying, “ Yeah, neither do I.”

But the last one did reply to my initial attempt of being cheesy. The conversation went like this.

Me: Hi. Do you think love is real?

Her: Yes. I think this is a start to a great conversation. But I feel love is a game.

Me: How?

Her: Well, it is fun and game until I fuck your dad!!

That was it for me. I deleted my account, deleted the app, kept my phone down and swore never to go near Tinder ever again. Out of all this I did get the gratification of knowing at least four random people thought I was attractive and I laughed a lot whenever I came across a bio which demanded laughter at it’s owners expense. But I realized online dating for all its convenience isn't for me and left it with a story to tell.